It has taken me a while to hop back on here and write about personal stuff, well, mainly because my family has gone through so much this last year… and it finally caught up to me. As a mom, I do what I can to make sure everyone gets what they need. Of course, we all know that we can’t pour from an empty cup… and to be honest, my cup has been empty for a very long while. My husband tells me I’m a great wife, amazing mom, and incredible worker. I desperately want to believe him, but I’m consistently questioning my “enoughness”, or as the Mad Hatter would put it, my “muchness”.
Filling up my cup sometimes feels selfish. I question whether I deserve to be doing something relaxing or joyful, or if I should make myself busy with work, or other things. This blog is all about me being real with you and sharing my journey, and what it’s like for me to be a mom. I find myself more and more, taking time for and being grateful for little things, on a daily basis. Maybe it’s sitting in the quiet with a cup of tea or coffee. Maybe it’s breathing in the aroma of an essential oil. Maybe it is the text message from a friend that means more to me than they could ever know.
I like to internalize a lot of things. Call it my personality… INFJ… call it HFA, call it whatever you want. What I DO know is that I am a Phoenix. Ok, not literally. This of course is totally weird because I’m an Air sign (Gemini) and according to Pottermore my Patronus is a brown hare (also funny, as I am year of the rabbit) but… I digress. I am a Phoenix. I have been thrown a hundred different ways over the last 2 years and I’m completely BURNT OUT. Burnt out. I really truly mean it. I’m grateful for the help I have received, where I have had it, but I am not going to lie to you. Most everything I do, has been done solo. I don’t like that. I don’t want accolades for it. Sure it makes me proud to have done things on my own, but it certainly makes it more difficult that way.
What happens when a Phoenix burns out? They rise from the ashes and are reborn. That is exactly how I am feeling right now. Shedding old skins from the past, dusting the ashes off, and waking up to the newest version of myself. What does that mean for me in 2017? Will it happen all over again?
In short, yes. BUT, it will look much different. I feel things shifting for me internally, and feel like I’m looking at the world through new lenses.
I am not bringing relationships along with me that have felt inauthentic, or that have been taking advantage of me. I refuse to let that be part of my path in moving forward. I also made a promise to myself not to give too much of myself. I have had people tell me, “Oh, you just gotta be you! Put yourself out there!” when they don’t realize what I have been through. Even if I share a taste, a shred, even a splinter of part of me, and I get hurt… it crushes me.
Minimalism isn’t just about decluttering, or living with less things. It is also about creating an environment where you are thriving in every aspect of your life. If that means minimizing hurtful relationships, or not sharing all the deeply emotive parts of you… then that is what you gotta do, mama.
My current plans in moving to Colorado still stand… I’m just not sure when we will get there.
“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light.” -Albus Dumbledore